its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
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