Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
