The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
