She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That accounts for only three of the penises
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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