Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
