I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
