I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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