I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
