FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
