oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
