I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
