I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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