so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
It's official drugs can't kill me
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
