I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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