my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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