I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
