I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
