see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
