I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
are you so shy because you have an std?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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