Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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