I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
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There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
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The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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