Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
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Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
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all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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