I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
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I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
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Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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