Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
