Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
