i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
