woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
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Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
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I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000