Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.