...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
