4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
