Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Randomize
