is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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