my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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