Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
