So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
