I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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