my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
