Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
