I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
