so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
