I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
