Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
