Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
