its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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