I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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