Already got asked if we're dating
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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