one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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