I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
