I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
