did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
