I'm really into asian looking animals
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
