3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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