I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
