I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
we're making bets on your personal life
Green mimosas i think yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I would fuck him just for his dog
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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