Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
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I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
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The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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