i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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