Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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