Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You can't special order awesome
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
