why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
