Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
