I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
