im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
